Past, Present and Future walked into a bar....

[kyber7]

Here's another one I just remembered (it's about St.Peter again)

St.Peter gathered the American, the French and the Chinese for an importand meeting.
The American entered first and right after he came St.Peter was like "OMG, YOU DAMN AMERICANS, Y?!?! WHY DO YOU WAR THE WORLD SO MUCH?! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME HERE AND WAR IRAN?!? DO YOU SEE THIS RED BUTTON OVER HERE!?!
American: "yes.... yes I do...."
St.Peter: "DO YOU SEE IT?! IF I PRESS IT, AMERICA WILL DISAPEAR FROM THE MAP!"
The American was all like "Oh please great Saint, don't press it, please!!!!", but St.Peter press it and America vanished from the map.
The French entered after that and right before he came in, St.Peter was all like "OMG YOU.... YOU..... HUMANS! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GET ALL THE GIRLS, HUH? YOU STOLE ALL THE PRETYY GIRLS IN THE WORLD. WHAT ARE YOU, HUH? DO YOU SEE THIS RED BUTTON?!"
French: "Yes, I do.."
St.Peter: "DO YOU SEE IT?! IF I PRESS IT.... FRANCE WILL BE NO MORE!"
The French was like "Oh please ze great Saint, please don't press it! Please!!!", but St.Peter press it and France vanished from the World's surface.
At the end, the Chinese came and right before he even touched the door's handle, St.Peter was like "HOLY DEVA MARIA, YOU DAMN ASIANS! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST FAKE EVERYTHING A MAN HAS MADE, HUH? Made in China here, Made in China there, WTF?! YOU SEE THIS RED BUTTON OVER HERE?!
Chinese: "Yes, yes I do...."
St.Peter: "DO YOU SEE IT?! IF I PRESS IT... CHINA WILL BE REMOVED FROM THE WORLD'S SURFACE!!"
Chinese: "Oh great one, please don't press it, please.... PLEASE!!!"
But St.Peter press it.... but nothing happend? He press it again... nothing.... He kept spamming the red button till he got pissed and tear off the button, looked below it and saw the line "Made in China"!

[Maverick]

Hahaha my reputation is better than both Morphine and Sephiroth.

lol noobs.

And here comes -2 on the way.

[XGamer]

lol laS3r that's good one.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Crossfire|OutlawZ]

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says "What dvd?" asks the father "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom! Awkward Silence

[kyber7]

Little Ivan was getting back to home. While he was walking, some nigger stopped him and said "Hey man, come here....  if you give me 5 bucks, I'll tell you 5 words". Ivan gave him 5 bucks and the nigger said "Dick, pussy, tits, whistle and fuck you."
When Ivan arrived at home, he asked his dad "Dad dad! What does 'dick' mean?". His dad responded "Cloth-handles, my son...."
Ivan: "Dad dad, and what does 'pussy' mean?"
Dad: "Tiles, my son...."
Ivan: "Dad dad, what does 'tits' mean?"
Dad: "Uhh.... glasses, my son..."
Ivan: "Hmm, and what does 'whistle' mean?"
Dad: ".....sausage.... my son...."
Ivan: "Ok, and last question dad: what does 'fuck you' mean?"
Dad: "It means 'Goodbye'..."
Later that day the guests arrived! They saw Ivan and asked him: "Ivan, where can we put our clothes?"
Ivan: "On your dicks!"
Guests: "My god!.... Anyways, what's your father doing, Ivan?"
Ivan: "He's sticking pussies in the bathroom."
Guests: "And what's your grandmother doing?"
Ivan: "She dropped her tits from the window so she went to get them."
Guests: "What's your sister doing?"
Ivan: "She's selling whistles at the market."
Guests: "My god, Ivan, you're such a bad person. We're angry with you, we're going now. Goodbye!"
Ivan: "Alright, fuck you!"

[ferrari32]

Little Ivan was getting back to home. While he was walking, some nigger stopped him and said "Hey man, come here....  if you give me 5 bucks, I'll tell you 5 words". Ivan gave him 5 bucks and the nigger said "Dick, pussy, tits, whistle and fuck you."
When Ivan arrived at home, he asked his dad "Dad dad! What does 'dick' mean?". His dad responded "Cloth-handles, my son...."
Ivan: "Dad dad, and what does 'pussy' mean?"
Dad: "Tiles, my son...."
Ivan: "Dad dad, what does 'tits' mean?"
Dad: "Uhh.... glasses, my son..."
Ivan: "Hmm, and what does 'whistle' mean?"
Dad: ".....sausage.... my son...."
Ivan: "Ok, and last question dad: what does 'fuck you' mean?"
Dad: "It means 'Goodbye'..."
Later that day the guests arrived! They saw Ivan and asked him: "Ivan, where can we put our clothes?"
Ivan: "On your dicks!"
Guests: "My god!.... Anyways, what's your father doing, Ivan?"
Ivan: "He's sticking pussies in the bathroom."
Guests: "And what's your grandmother doing?"
Ivan: "She dropped her tits from the window so she went to get them."
Guests: "What's your sister doing?"
Ivan: "She's selling whistles at the market."
Guests: "My god, Ivan, you're such a bad person. We're angry with you, we're going now. Goodbye!"
Ivan: "Alright, fuck you!"

That's a classic